Previews of video games are big business. if it wasn't for video game previews,  there would only be video game reviews, and who wants that? The opinions of people like…well, us, are about as welcome as Hanna Montana at a talented people convention. So, budding game journalists everywhere, here is how to do a game preview right!

Step One: Find a game to preview

This bit is easy. Just email any Russian game developer or anyone doing a casual game and ask them for press material to do a preview for. They'll be so surprised that anyone is giving them attention they'll end up sending you the source code. 

Step Two:Get a word processor

You know, I don't think things got any better than Wordperfect 5.5 for MS-DOS. That was just about the best word processor ever. Anyway, fire up Notepad or whatever. YOU CAN LIVE WITHOUT A SPELL CHECKER.

Step Three: Play the game

Don't worry if you're not having any fun or you have no idea what the hell the game is about. It's all part of the process. Protip: You don't actually have to play the game if the publisher or developer was kind enough to send along a fact sheet.

Step Four: Write a preview

This is the fun bit. First you start with the "hook", which is where you draw the reader's attention. Spin the main drawcard of the game into an interesting tidbit. Even the most boring games (and let's get this out of the way - the game you're playing is boring. All the interesting games were locked up in an exclusivity deal with IGN a year ago) can be spun in new ways. Are you playing yet another World War 2 game? Lead it with "Hitler is back again, that wacky scamp!".

Then you go on about the developer behind it. Nobody actually gives a flying FAQ about developers, but it helps fill out the word count. Say something interesting about their home country, or if it's a French developer say something horrible about France. Hell, say something horrible about France anyway, they deserve it.

If you still haven't hit the word count yet, I guess you'll have to say something about the game. NEVER SAY ANYTHING BAD ABOUT THE GAME, NO MATTER HOW CRAP IT IS. Saying bad things in a preview is kind of like admitting you're the father - it's just bad form. Instead, just regurgitate the basic mechanics and try to sound interested. It works for my wife, and it'll work for you.If there are bad things about the game, turn them around into positives.

Some examples:

"The camera is a piece of shit" becomes "The camera breaks new ground and takes time to discover the full potential"

"It's too fucking hard" becomes "I'm sure the difficulty will be fixed by the time the game is released" (shame that by the time preview code is sent out, the game is more or less competely done and the opinion of one preview writer will not change jack shit)

"It's a complete rip off of a dozen existing games" becomes "Fans of the genre will instantly be at home here"

See? IT'S EASY, NOW GET TO IT!

Step Five: Publish it!

Set up a gaming blog that you spend the next two years trying to make famous and then resign yourself to being a relative unknown after all the other blogs start doing you schtick BUT BETTER.

Easy!!!

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