You cannot tell where an industry is going without the knowledge of where it has been. Enclosed is a series of classic video game ads for forgotten systems followed by my usual sharp and incisive commentary. These ads are ripe for all manner of parody. They are pompous, needlessly flashy and are insincere, a perfect sign of the times that anyone who survived the eighties will instantly recognize and hopefully enjoy.

This article is a celebration of how far we have come as gamers, at how savvy we have become as consumers, and above all else it is a gentle ribbing of our favorite industry, before the days of infamy, in its days of infancy.  Most of all, this article is a tribute to the golden age of video games first and foremost, a respectful tribute, an expression for something I love-or at least as close as I can come to sentimentality while remaining true to my particular personality and sociopathic writing style.

Wow, look everyone. It’s the worlds first “graphic accelerator”. You know it’s a true gaming peripheral if it looks like it came bundled with your mother’s sewing machine.

This is not only a beautiful ad it is also indicative of the trademark greed and materialism of the eighties. In it, Maxy who himself the biggest gaming tool since the joystick loses all his friends, including his would be girlfriend no less because his dad is a technologically challenged dolt who bought his son the wrong (non-Atari) computer. gasp Quick someone call social services!

It is more than entertaining as it is also educational, because not only does it teach you the contents of your software library is more important than the contents of your soul when making lifelong friendships, but it also underlines the fact that Atari games are just so damned entertaining you don’t even need to play them to attract a clan of sycophantic peers for friends. Just strew their unopened boxes about your immense banquet sized computer desk like magazines in a beauty salon. Throw in some awful purple cola, generic beer and rancid hot dogs and you too can be a true playah among mere players. Maxi will be fine.

The one I am worried about is the unnamed girl in the strip. So manipulative is she, treacherous and hungry for “joystick action” by the end of the arcade era she will be a teenager selling sexual favors in the back of seedy arcades to strangers for a handful of tokens. Kind of sad, really. Tsk Tsk.

Way to make your Atari 5200 more exciting #6: “Gargle with lighter fluid and then French kiss the cartridge slot.” Brought to you by CBS electronics who promised “the excitement would never end”, at least until they too went bankrupt in the 1984 industry crash. So much for truth in advertising.

Most homoerotic video game ad ever. Run Peter Pepper, run from your own gay thoughts…

I find it amusing and in poor taste (is there any difference) that there is a video game about a nuclear reactor accident only a couple years later after the near catastrophic Incident in Three Mile Island. The term “China Syndrome” refers to the natural propensity for a nuclear reactor to burn its way to China through the earths core. during a meltdown. To quote the old Nintendo ads:“Now you’re playing with power.”

And what says “super action” better than a controller where all the games require two and a half people to play? I swear to God if any unsportsmanlike player 2 tries to dismantle my controller like this while I’m gaming, the only thing he’s going to be playing is a harp.

That’s right, our games come with stereo sound…stereo not included.