BIG thanks to Joomla for refusing to let me upload a review that has a particular word in it..Damndest thing. Only took me two hours to figure out.

Space Giraffe is all kinds of wonderful and awesome.



It really is. It’s as near as damnit the best video game we’ve seen all year. And by video game I mean that in the classic sense, not the ‘interactive movie’ sense, or the ‘toys in a sandbox’ sense, or whatever other stupid buzzword sense the games business has foisted upon us lately. 

It's a brain off, autofire on, high score chasing video game. It doesn't shy away from it. It revels in its twitch-gaming, trippy backgrounds and explosion in a confetti factory aesthetic. We're here, we're going to fuck your brain up, get used to it, it proudly shouts from the top of your otherwise drab Xbox LIVE Arcade game list.

There’s a solid amount of strategy underpinning the shoot ‘em up core. It’s all about the careful balance between keeping the power zone on the tube large enough to keep you from the bulls hurting you, and making it small enough so you can earn mega pointage when you do blow everyone away. Timing the jumps is a hard science. Keeping the flower thingies back versus letting them occupy a whole lane is a hard call to make. You get the drill.

Good news - The game will be out in a few days. It's only 400 points. You spend more than that on alimony every week. Don't be a cheapskate, you know you need this.

Your stomach churns while you’re at work the next day. You can’t eat. You can’t sleep. Space Giraffe becomes all you can think about. All you can see when you close your eyes. Your friends make fun of the way your face lights up when you talk about it. Everyone around you figures out what’s going on a long time before you do. Space Giraffe? Yeah, we’re just having some fun together. No big deal, you say as you fire it up again for another quick few hours. What’s the big deal?  

The language becomes clear to the point where you think you’ve known it for years. You’re in tune with the game unlike anything else. Its layout of enemies in the far distance to trigger your subconscious into knowing where they’ll be a few seconds before you can actively see them. The way you sway your body subtly along with the curve of the tube on level 8 as the giraffe smoothly glides over the pulsing lines. The sound cues that make perfect sense to you but sound like incomprehensible animal grunts to everyone else. 

And then you get it. And then you’re fucked because you realize you’re in love. Deeply, passionately, desperately. The only thing you can do is try your best to hold on for the ride, climb up the high score table and maybe one day get on top.

Damnit, that’s what Space Giraffe offers you. I think that's a good thing.

If you don't, I kind of feel sorry for you.

Overall: Holy crap this is awesome hell yes / 10

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