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All the “real” gaming sites are going on and on about what a great game this is. And they’re right, it really is good. However, none of them talk about what it’s really like to play it online, so we’re going to review some of the spastic knuckleheads you’ll get to play against.

Now since you can’t actually interact with anyone you play with online in any meaningful fashion, I’m basing my opinions solely on their emblems and the amount of scotch I’ve consumed so far tonight. Big thanks to Nintendo for not providing any real form of setting up what people you can play against, that was really clever. Idiots.

Player #1: "TEH MAS Té R". His emblem is a dragon. Ooh.

First impressions: He’s probably French, so that’s already a bad mark against his presumptuous, poorly spelled name. 4/10

Play style: He (I assume it’s a he since girls don’t play video games, and the ones that do are either married, have a boyfriend, or both, or at least that’s what they’ll tell you once they realize you haven’t got a nice car LOOK I WALK TO WORK, I DON’T NEED A CAR, AND BESIDES EVEN IF I GOT ONE YOU’LL MAKE ME LISTEN TO MAROON 5 ON THE CD PLAYER) picked Dry Bones, which is SO last week, everyone’s moved onto ROB the Robot, geez. And since he lives so far away he teleports all over the place, which is more annoying than being stuck on a bus next to people who think it’s really good idea to show everyone within 500 feet their new Beyonce ring tones. If I wanted to listen to something really annoying, I’d call my parents, Christ. Anwyay where was I. Oh yeah he beat me, so he can eat my toilet wipes. 3/10

Overall rating: Bullshit two blue turtle shells in a row what a load of crap. 3/10

Player #2: "Cindy<3". Her emblem is a teddy bear.

First impressions: I think it's supposed to be a heart symbol in her name. Does thinking the teddy bear is cute make me gay? 7/10

Play Style: Awww, how cute, she doesn’t know about drifting around corners and getting a boost. The problem with that though is that she’s easy to beat but then I start to think about what it would be like to be her, I mean she’s trying her best and it’s not her fault she’s in ill educated child, what kind of retarded parents does she have not to at least teach her the basics? My kid’s gonna have all this shit down by the time he’s three. I’ll start him off with the basics, like getting the turbo start by holding down the accelerator at “2”, or how he should tell people they have to blow into the microphone to inflate the balloons in Battle mode even though you know you can just hold down Select, just so they look like dickheads. Anyway, so I’m thinking that it’s a bit unfair to be beating her so badly, so I slow down and stop boosting around corners and then before you know it I came second to TEH MAS Té R (O Ooooh, everyone, look out, it’s TEH MAS Té R, everyone hide under your pile of Dragonball Z dolls YES THAT’S RIGHT I CALLED THEM DOLLS, NOT ACTION FIGURES). So fuck being nice to anyone any more. Besides, the last time I was being nice to a complete stranger I got 100 hours of community service so to hell with that. 2/10

Overall: I don’t think I’m gay. I mean, I’d bend over and take it from Ben Affleck, but he WAS the bomb in Phantoms. 4/10

Player #3: "Joe". He just had the default emblem.

First impressions: Joe. Let me guess. His real name is Joe. Wow. He must be a rocket scientist to come up with a complex nickname like that. 1/10

Play Style: This rat fucking son of a bitch snaked his way around the first course, making a mockery of anyone who actually played the game properly. Snaking, for those of you fortunate enough to not encounter this kind of human effluent, is a technique where someone sucks all the fun out of playing the game for everyone. They continually drift slide along straight sections of track, getting continual boosts out of it, and switching directions again and again LIKE A GOD DAMN SNAKE. And then he disconnected after the first race, proving once and for all that’s he’s as much a lousy player as he is a human being, and it’s no wonder that his parents are ashamed of him as he sits alone in the basement surrounded by anime wall scrolls and love pillows, crying to himself about what a pitiful pastime he persists in perpetuating. That’s alliteration, folks, go read some old Marvel comics. You know what he reminds me of? The zombies that infest modern arcades and creep me out. You know, the ones that play “sideway driving simulator 34” over and over again. I don’t get it. What’s so fucking amazing about driving sideways? If you want to see what’s happening along the side of the road, how about turning your head to the left or right? Crazy me, I guess that’s why I’m not rich. 0/10

Overall: Seems certain that slithering snakes seek success, such stupidity sounds seditious. Christ, I could kick Stan Lee’s ass any day. I’ll give myself some extra points for that. 8/10

FINAL VERDICT: Mario Kart DS is like the George Foreman grill. It has a happy fat man on the cover and you open the lid and you need wireless internet to bake a chicken in 10 minutes. But damn are they hard to clean. 3 scotches/10.

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